It has been a month and almost a week since I started to work out again. Exercising has never been my keen interest but to be quite honest, I don’t like my body as much these days. I had joined a gym back in September or August of 2019. I’ve joined gyms in the past, always failing to attend. The whole concept intimidates me, simply because I don’t know how to properly lift weights on my own, and I don’t want anyone looking at me when I do so.

Looking hot while working out has always been one of my day dreams. Being able to wear those matching sets from Gymshark that are tight as fuck on your body while looking good, honestly a big dream of mine. It sounds superficial but it is true. My health worries me of course but looking good naked worries me more. Not so much for who might see that side of me but for myself. I’ve read in the past women say they look better naked than in a swimsuit, but currently none of those options are for me. It is surprising and shocking how we always see the worst of ourselves and don’t realize our progress. Back in 2018, I had a personal trainer who told me what to do during our sessions. She is one of my close friends, she became more than a trainer, she was my confidant and my support system at times. I decided back then personal training was my best option. I hated gyms, I hated crowds and the whole setting puts me in a vulnerable place. I don’t remember if it was in 2016 or 2017 I won a giveaway for a free month at an all women’s gym. That is where I met my old trainer. It was intimidating walking in that first day, I don’t consider myself a shy person but when I am uncomfortable not much talking will happen. The first session was one on one, I threw up after. I was not used to such an intense workout but I made it through. However, I didn’t like being around other people even if it was other women like me. Still, it intimidated me.

Food has always been an issue in my life. I am a binge eater and stress eater and comfort eater. I use food as a source of “instant happiness” which is wrong. However, it is quite difficult to run away from these bad habits. One of the trainers who worked at the gym I won a giveaway at would always make comments about what I was eating out loud. This bothered me and embarrassed me, it made me uncomfortable to be put on the spot. I stopped attending and then decided to train with one of my favorite trainers in her garage. I had seen Khloé Kardashian train in her garage so it made me feel posh. I was allowed to train for five days a week for $35 dollars each week, much cheaper than what I pay now. However, I never went the five days. It was very difficult for me to get motivated. But, I was in a much better shape back then than I am now. Then, I started to work at my current job and stopped going to the training. I had to drive back and forth 40 minutes from my house to my job, it made me feel tired and my energy was almost gone. I stopped working out. My life became more sedentary, I am not proud of that.

I remember when I first noticed I had gained an extensive amount of weight. I did not own a scale back then, because me and the scale had a troubling relationship. We are currently in a stable one. My clothes were not fitting the way they used to and it worried me. I knew I had gained weight but I was not doing anything to change that. I tried to go to the gym on my own, maybe went once or twice in the year. I went for a walk at a park and that was cool but I needed a push. I met this hot young teacher/photographer/trainer working on a story for the newspaper I work for. I knew she had to be a trainer because she looked fit to me. I asked her if she would train me and she said yes. Honestly, it has been one of the best things that have happened to me in 2020. Stephanie is not as lenient as my last trainer. She does not allow me to take long breaks, she doesn’t let me blabber and talk for minutes, I have to finish the sets.

After a month of working out with her, today was the first time I throw up. I had gone out for lunch with a friend at 1 p.m. and had a bad breakfast. Food continues to be my soft spot, I am still working on that. However, I have never been this motivated to change my body in a long time. I know the priority should be my health and it is, but it doesn’t hurt to want to look better. When I met my old trainer she told me I was thin, my current one told me I was “tiny” when we met. Those adjectives have never been associated with me and it felt nice not to feel overweight. Today we did an all body workout, it killed me. Sweat was running down my body and I wanted to cry a few times. I was burping during the whole workout and finally decided to throw up. Not proud of that but you gotta do what you gotta do.

This might not be a weekly challenge but I guess it could be a monthly one. Working out and being active is not an easy thing for me but so far it’s being done. They say a habit starts after four weeks and I am past that, hopefully it will stay that way. I know I stressed my want for looking hot but I also want to feel stronger. Losing my breath after a run doesn’t seem right and I want to change that. Quite honestly, knowing muscle is growing and my strength is being enforced is my favorite part of my workout. Not to sound like a snob but I am beginning to crave it. The path to a “healthier” lifestyle is not easy. It is lengthy and rocky but every small step you take, leads you to the end. It does not matter how long it takes as long as you keep getting up and trying again.

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