I once read that if you smile even if you are feeling sad you might trick your brain into thinking you are happy, and eventually you might feel it. I think I’ve done that trick all my life.

I have also come to notice that I enjoy listening to music and hate silence mainly because it distracts me from my thoughts. By listening to a song, it diverts my mood from worry some or anxious to a small period of joy.

Happiness can come from many places but it is not easy to find it when we are immersed by other situations that make us sad. It is a topic that we don’t like to touch because it might make us seem weak or ungrateful but it happens.

It’s difficult to understand why we feel anxious or sad over the most trivial things, yet for some of us it can affect our whole day, our week or even months. I haven’t felt like myself for months. Sometimes you are not quite sure what it is that is bothering you and that makes you lose track of direction, and you feel unmotivated to do anything. I procrastinate a lot but these days it has felt like the biggest task to do anything at all.

Getting up and going to work feels like a task, breathing and living has also felt like a task. It feels as if my life was at a such a high a few months ago that now that it is not going anywhere where I want it to be it has made me lose motivation. I’ve never felt suicidal but it has come to the point where there are days I’m not excited to be alive. It is particularly hard to explain these feelings when nothing is wrong. It also feels wrong to feel this way when we should be grateful for the wonderful things around us, being alive is already a blessing yet it doesn’t feel that way at times. I have come to learn that these feelings are valid, and it takes a little extra effort to overcome them.

A few months ago, I went to therapy for the first time in a very long time. It had been a period of my life where I knew exactly what was making me upset and needed someone to hear me out. I didn’t want to talk about it with my parents, my friends or anyone who had a direct connection with me. Talking to someone who doesn’t necessarily know me makes me feel more open to show my true feelings. To the world, we often show a face, a façade but the reality is completely the opposite. It made me feel better to go to therapy and be heard and I wanted to continue going but my budget didn’t allow me that option. I am a very positive person and I always try to find the silver lining in every situation, but it just has become hard.

Millennials have become more open about their feelings and that is a breath of fresh air in a world that needs to see mental health as a priority, yet it is alarming how many of us deal with unexplainable sadness. Some people tend to eat to fill voids, I know I do. We compulsively shop, drink and smoke. We are unhealthy to our bodies and the spiral never ends, with a vicious cycle of feeling shitty and doing shitty things to ourselves.

How do we manage to not feel this way? To this day, I don’t have the right answer, but talking to people who I love helps. Congratulating myself in completing a task helps, being nice to a stranger or a loved one helps. Getting out of my bed and just driving helps. Even if it takes a small step, it is one closer to where I don’t have to feel this way. This Thanksgiving I was grateful to have a job, to be able to have a family that supports me and friends who love me but I have not been able to say I am thankful to how I treat myself and the decisions I make.

It is embarrassing to say that motivation is not coming easy these days, and even though it has been one of the greatest years in my life when it comes to my career and things that I am passionate about there is still something missing. Maybe you know what it is or maybe you don’t, maybe you’re avoiding the answer but tomorrow is another day to face it.

Whether you have it all figured out or you don’t like me, know that it’s okay to feel that way. Not every day is a good day but making it through is what will show your strength. Cheer on yourself for waking up today and going to work, for putting on make-up and going on about your day. There might be a feeling of loneliness when you can’t explain your feelings to the world but talk to yourself and know that is okay. Breakdowns are necessary and the struggle is necessary too. Rainbows only come with some rain, tell yourself that today and every day that you are not okay.

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