posted on 10.18/filed under Taboo

Chances are if you have had sexual contact with a guy and you are a female, you’ve had at least one pregnancy scare. I don’t mean sexual intercourse, but sexual contact. We, women, are so crazy paranoid there are probably thousands if not millions (including my own friends) who have thought they were pregnant just because some dick was near their vagina, and I mean near not inside. It’s a little funny if you think about it, that even though it is remotely impossible you get pregnant if a guy doesn’t you know “cum” (scary word) inside of you, we as women begin to obsess over every detail that could make us magically pregnant and ruin our world forever.


Not every woman is scared of being pregnant though, and obviously it is not disgrace but to most of us, including myself it would not be ideal for that to happen at the moment so obviously that is why it is called a pregnancy scare, because you are so fucking scared.


The first time one of my friends thought she was pregnant was because she had missed a period, which of course is the most known symptom, and it scares the shit out of anyone but the thing is, there was no way she could be pregnant since she had used protection, so why think you are pregnant? The way girls think and obsess about something like this is something that is hard to explain or put into words but basically our brains go on such trips that it literally makes you crazy. My friend would constantly touch her stomach and say things such as, “I can feel my tummy getting tight, oh my god it’s moving” and more idiotic statements such as those, but as stupid as they sound most of us can relate.  We begin to think how we would tell our parents the horrid news, what if our boyfriend wants to keep the baby? Omfg no. What if he wants an abortion? Then he doesn’t really love me… We google pregnancy symptoms and quickly do a checklist, do my boobs hurt? Well a little I guess… have I spotted recently? We google abortion clinics and abortion prices and abortion procedures, even though just the thought of having an abortion makes us want to barf.


Pregnancy scares are funny to me because, if the guy didn’t actually you know, do his thing then why the worry and obsession, why are we almost wishing to actually be pregnant? There have been two times where my friends have asked me to buy them pregnancy tests because they were too embarrassed to do it. So of course, someone who doesn’t really care about what the cashier might think of them, I agreed. With one of my friends I went with her inside the restroom and waited, her boyfriend was outside waiting too and like I said, they had nothing to worry about but were still worried because (teenager brains) then when she told him she wasn’t pregnant they both started crying?????  of happiness of course, which meant I was obviously not needed in the situation anymore. The second time I bought one for my other friend, the penis had not even been inside of her!!!!!!!!! But as mentioned before, she googled obsessively about ways that you could get pregnant because of pre cum, or having a penis near you. It was 5 a.m. in the morning after our high school graduation when we went to Wal-Mart and once again the cashier thought of me as some dumb hormone raging thot but I did not care, my friend was more important, then of course she peed in the Wal-Mart restroom and saw the -, the horizontal line that means you are not preggo, and we hugged and we cheered.


It’s impressive the way our brains work that make us obsess, stress and everything else that ends in two s’s when we miss our periods. It’s constant 2 a.m. texts from your friends asking you if you think they are pregnant or maybe you are the one sending those texts, worried about whether or not you are going to have to lash out $500 on a scary ass abortion. It’s not a feeling that boys will ever experience, and honestly they are lucky to be spared from it. They might be scared to become a father or whatever but they will never have to sit in the toilet as they wait for the stick to turn pink and then impatiently wait a minute or two for a response.


There are more things that worry you though, what if the so called daddy is someone you don’t even like? Example being the guy from Knocked Up who was a loser with no job and no cell phone, the result of an unprotected one-night stand and the nightmare of any self-respectable independent woman. In the end of the movie, they stayed together but that only happens in movies and that is why they are called movies. In real life you would have to force the guy to give you some money, and if he is nice enough to go with you to the clinic or whatever which would be sufficiently awkward.
I was talking to my friends about their pregnancy scares and how many times they have thought they were pregnant, most of the time they had nothing to worry about but that missed period is what freaked them out and they are not to blame, not getting your period can be a scary thing when you know you have been getting jiggy with it but the funniest thing is that we forget that the longer we stress and obsess the longer that period will get there. “I swear I bought that pregnancy test, took it, and the next day I got my period.” This right here is a fact, it’s like God’s way of punishing you for being stupid enough to think you were pregnant in the first place and saying you went and spent $10 dollars that could have been used for food or earrings but hey at least your finally calm, I’ll bring your period to you now. Moral of the story is, use protection always (no exceptions) and if you miss your period then go buy a pregnancy test, you’ll for sure get it the next day and will have spared your friends the annoying crying face emoji texts and the constant links to abortion clinics in Mexico.




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