As someone who claims self love to be their main daily mantra, I sure as hell do not practice what I preach.

 I have tried to trick my mind into thinking that I am making the best decisions, that I am working on myself when in reality it is all just a facade. I will start by saying I do not make the best decisions when it comes to my love life. In fact, I think it is where I make the worst choices, mainly because I choose to see the best in people and ignore red flags. 

For some weird reason, I struggle connecting with people romantically and in a way I think it is because of how I was treated in high school. I never had a boyfriend then, and the one time I thought someone liked me as a person, they chose someone else over me. I was convinced that all I was good for was my body. So, for a really long time that is all I ever did. I shared my body with people that probably did not deserve to spend seconds with me. I don’t mind casual sex, but over the last few years I have learned that it was always a temporary solution to issues that went deeper than just wanting attention. Then, the first time someone I liked showed interest in my personality and tried to get to know me, I fell in love. I had been treated so badly and had allowed people to treat me that way that I was convinced this was the highest peak. “This is as good as it’s going to get” I thought. 

I fell so hard in love it drove me insane, and it still drives me insane sometimes. I love too hard and I hurt too hard. Everything is just always either black or white, I have not been able to find a middle ground. But things weren’t the way I wanted them to be. I felt as if the love I was giving was not reciprocated and I thought, “The least I owe to myself is to experience a second chance”. So, just like the first time, I fell in love again. I fell in love with someone that was emotionally unavailable one day and available the next, someone that would constantly lie to me in order for me to not get mad but made me trust them too. I forgave this person. I forgave so much in both of these relationships I began to feel weak. I was not perfect either, when the one person you want to be with has flaws you remind yourself love means accepting the flaws too. However if someone knows you are hurting and they do not change after you’ve told them it is time to at least attempt to let go. 

You want someone to love you so desperately, you look past all the bad shit happening around you. 

“Well, he yelled at me because he is upset,” you tell yourself, thinking it is not going to happen again. You hope it will get better and then it doesn’t. But to other people you pretend you have your shit together, you are this strong badass bitch that doesn’t let feelings overcome her. But it’s not true and it is also not realistic. Strong people are built by the situations they go through. Even though I do feel fake sometimes, especially when I post an empowering quote on Instagram a day before driving to see the one person that is bad for me, I know at the end of the day I won my battle because even if I come back for a moment, I try my best not to stay.

It can take days, weeks and years to get over someone. It is impossible and unrealistic to believe you won’t answer a text, see them again or call after when you feel needy. Human beings want to feel they are cared for, more than anything when they are wounded on the inside. Now, not every healing method is the healthiest.  It can take many one night stands with people you shouldn’t even be giving the time of day, sleepless nights and drunken blackouts. However, everyone heals differently and they also learn in different ways. 

I don’t want to lie and say I don’t have moments where I break down and I go back to the same place that hurt me. I have done it in the past and probably will do it again, until the day comes I finally learn to put myself first. I think people fail to realize that loving yourself and doing what is best for you, both physically and mentally is much harder than one would think. But, acknowledging you are harming yourself is the first step, and continuing to try to get better can eventually get you to where you need to be. 

It is okay if you preach self-love and not be practicing it today, the goal is to one day make it a norm to do it every day. Putting the word self-love in your head is already a bigger step than one would think. Trust the timing and be patient, human beings are complex and they make mistakes. Forgive yourself and keep going. 

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